sooo things are getting better. i'm just feeling better about shit and i don't really know why. i still haven't gotten to the doctor, but that's because i'm about to go to mexico. dave is coming with. it'll be a nice break.

i went to athens and saw kate last wednesday, which was great. she is still the same and still awesome. i was kind of messed up but she's known me 20 years so it's alright. we should hang out more. i've been seeing a lot of emily and ana too. i ended up being right about kyle, so i'm not as crazy as i though and ana sort of like apologized or something. i'm glad i have her, she's like the other me. we've been getting stoned and going to stone mountain and all like rising above and shit.

emily and i hung out in athens the other day. i got some great shit at minx. i got this romper that's like, probably part of an old uniform. it's like baby blue and snaps up the front with a collar like a dress shirt, and has short sleeves, and shorts with elasticized legs. and then i got some crocheted stuff cause i'm on a massive crochet binge. and i'm also all into leather halter tops; there will be a time and a place, mark my words. 

i was bad today and drank though, cause of this really horrible thing that happened with greg and michelle. it's so fucked up that i can't even write it down. anyone who does that to a defenseless (and very sweet) animal ought to be locked up for good, because eventually they're just gonna do it to a person. and then for those people to go and jump greg, that's just fucking cowardly. i seriously fucking hate people. the cops wouldn't even do anything about it, either. i'm glad i don't pay taxes. 

mood: okay music: pentagram- be forewarned tags: clothes, craziness, friends, whining

 sooo i'm manic for real and it sucks ass. that's why its 4:30am and i'm still awake. it's bad, like way more physical than mental though. i've dropped about 10 lbs because i'm just not ever hungry. and i can't sleep at ALL. i've been taking pills (vicodin or flexeril or whatever is around) and/or drinking to sleep and it sort of works but not really. hopefully next week i'll be able to see the neurologist and get some meds figured out, cause this shit sucks. the only thing good about it is being skinny, except 106 lbs looks bad on me. dave doesn't notice because he's up all night anyway and thinks that's normal. i live with my boyfriend and he seriously like doesn't even really know me. whatever. we get along and he's good to me so i should really just shut up. it's gonna be a year tomorrow. ana and i went to stone mtn the other day and got stoned and maybe talked a little too much. she says she's worried about me. i'll fix it though. i don't like it either. 

i hung out with stephanie a lot today and yesterday. she's seriously turned out totally different than i'd expected, and i'm pleasantly surprised. hahaha i told her yesterday that when she was little i was convinced she would grow up to be a total asshole. i've noticed lately (and it's been pointed out to me a lot too) that i always expect the worst of people. i'm trying to fix that. speaking of which, i got a text from lindsay the other day. we talked a bit and i told her i wasn't doing well, and also that i thought she was on dope. she said she wasn't, and said she wanted to hang out and stuff, but i couldn't that day. i feel like i wanna talk to her and work stuff out, but like i don't trust her, and i don't know if that is because of me or because of her. 

so since july 1 was the other day i'm making mid-years' resolutions... i've decided i'm gonna:
-read more and better books
-leave town more often
-do more fun stuff that involves leaving the house
-try not to be so pessimistic and suspcious of everyone
-try to keep in touch and be better friends with some of my out of town friends
-get rid of a TON of my clothes
-take more classes so i can graduate sooner
-try to keep the damned house cleaner...

aaaaaand now it's 5am and the birds are waking up and doing their wake up chirping, ugh. i'm gonna try and sleep now, i think. 

mood: crappy music: zeitgeist-sniper tags: complaints, craziness, drugs, friends, whining

Mokie is online.
5:59pm
Leah
dude shes full of shit

go look at his page nobody is saying get well soon
6:00pm

Mokie
well anita said alec would be mad if anyone found out
6:00pm

Leah
then whys she posting
6:00pm

Mokie
i dont know about her. the screws arent right
6:00pm

Leah
surely some of his friends are her friends on there

yeah no shit!

i dont see alec being like OMG DONT TELL ANYONE
he loves attention
6:01pm

Mokie
apparently he wait 3 days to call her/anyone because he didnt want her to worry
6:01pm

Leah
yeah right if he waited to call her its bc he hates her and isnt talking to her
6:01pm

Mokie
it sounds fishy

i dont know leah, but i wonder about anita
6:01pm

Leah
dont wonder

shes insane

like its a fact
6:02pm

Mokie
like inbetween her grieving post she asks me to send her a post card from inidia

india
6:04pm

Leah
yeah i know

she just wants attention

plus i think if someones heart isnt working like would they be able to call you?
6:04pm

Mokie
ya
6:04pm

Leah
just message alec or his girlfriend and ask
6:05pm

Mokie
it was really weird she would post updates and like as soon as someone responded and within 10 mins she would delete her status from her profile

i dont know who his gf is

like i dont know her name
6:06pm

Leah
yeah you do its sophie

you told me that

i had to see if it was the same girl from the taco place so i found her FB one time
6:06pm

Mokie
i forgot it and they could have broken up
6:06pm

Leah
just go through his friends its the only sophie

i dont think they did bc shes not at the taco place any more
6:07pm

Mokie
weird but i think he might be in atlanta

i have no idea

im gonna see what anita says
6:08pm

Leah
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Septicaemia
6:08pm

Mokie
maybe anita just broke up with a bf again or something so she lost her mind again
6:08pm

Leah
that's highly likely

then again alec getting an infection from a dirty needle and being careless enough to let it spread through his whole system is totally possible too
6:09pm

Mokie
ya. man anita is a nut. it's too bad she's not reliable

that woman is NUTS

i totally believe you
6:10pm

Leah
hahahaha i know, its terrible
6:10pm

Mokie
and she has no idea
6:10pm

Leah
and the worst thing about people like her is that in order to deal with them you end up doing things almost as crazy

no way. she absolutely does have an idea.
6:10pm

Mokie
it's amazing that she's got friends and stuff on facebook

really

how the hell did you put up with her
6:11pm

Leah
eh they probably dont like her and just click "accept" on all their requests

i dont know but she almost made me crazy too

i ignored her as much as i could
6:12pm

Mokie
like she's on facebook right now liking everyone's status and commenting on their photos and talking about her trip to rome georgia this week
6:13pm

Leah
yeah but everyon eknows shes insane

like shes one of those people wher eit doesnt take long to figure out she sucks
6:13pm

Mokie
maybe her friends are crazy too

robert cant stand her
6:13pm

Leah
maybe some people feel sorry for her/tolerate her

HAHAHAH I KNOW

omg how is robert, i havent talked to him in forever

robert cant stand her bc robert rules
6:14pm

Mokie
i only saw him once this summer

he was nice

it was right before he went to china
6:15pm

Mokie
seriously, if your son were in ICU, would you be asking his friend to send you postcards because it would make your life
6:16pm

Leah
oh he went back to china then?

i really dont know,i guess it depends on how sick he is or something i don tknow
6:17pm

Mokie
or maybe it was south america i dont remember
6:17pm

Leah
but if shes going and deleting it that makes me think shes lying more than the postcard thing
6:17pm

Mokie
you should sent anita a sympathy card!

hahahaha
6:17pm

Leah
ewww no

i saw her at target!

not too long ago
6:17pm

Mokie
hahaha

did she see you
6:17pm

Leah
but i dont think she saw/recognized me

ughh
6:18pm

Mokie
what an nut

i still have yet to meet alec's dad
6:18pm

Leah
what sucks is like we wer ewalking facing each ohter and as soon as i realized who it was i disappeared

oh god he is a weirdo

he isnt crazy hes just weird like someone i could see being autistic or something

hes a total narcissist
6:18pm

Mokie
awww didnt he tell you abotu hs STDS
6:18pm

Leah
like he just talks about himself endlessly
6:19pm

Mokie
awww
6:19pm

Leah
YES and about tanya tucker bending over a pool table getting a train ran on her

and it was like not that relevant to the conversation

like it was out of place and weird
6:19pm

Mokie
awwwww

no wonder alec became a junkie
6:20pm

Leah
yeah i know

he was seriously like never going to have a normal life
6:20pm

Mokie
but isnt christopher normal
6:21pm

Leah
yeah but christopher doesnt have anita

his mom is normal
6:21pm

Mokie
man

i want anita to not be idle on facebook anymore
6:21pm

Leah
hes like one o fthose awkward super smart kids

hahahahaha

are you gonna message her?
6:22pm

Mokie
yea
6:22pm

Leah
try an ask her too many questions to catch her in a lie
6:22pm

Mokie
i chatted with her last night when she wrote alec was in ICU
6:22pm

Leah
like do this fb messenger thing instead of the emails

whatd she say
6:22pm

Mokie
she was like shhhh shhh don't tell anyone

alec doesnt like getting attention. he'd be so mad if he found out that i told people

he wait 3 days to let me know he was in the hospital because he didnt want to upset me

what a nut
6:23pm

Leah
i mean it wouldnt surprise me if he was in the hospital cause he used a dirty needle or some shit and it turned into some full blown systemic shit

and he lived but was stuck in the hospital for a week just because

and then she called him until he finally picked up, or his gf called her to tell her, but the fact that she wants it to be a secret makes me think shes lying

like i highly doubt that if alec wanted her to keep a secret she would honor his wishes...
6:25pm

Mokie
aewwww but she said alec doesnt like attention

omg are you there
6:26pm

Leah
yeah

psh alec loves attenton

attention
6:26pm

Mokie
so last night one of friend wrote their status as

Charles Wolff “You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.” --George Burns quote--

and i anita responds

Anita Brannon ha hahahaha funny.

woffard and spike came over yesterday and I recorded woffard singing on garage band, then tweaked it and used the mouse vocal effect, then the helium. so funny. th

and then some else writes

Michael Keiley (Anita, I know you have a loved one in medical crisis right now, that's a totally different thing. Prayers and best wishes.)
6:27pm

Leah
shes weird, i know she had a friend she hung out with who was a 12 year old girl.
6:27pm

Mokie
omg no way

Anita Brannon wish I had heard the music that gave you a cricked neck!

do you think shes got like a personality disorder
6:28pm

Leah
yeah shes obv a borderline

like really obviously
6:29pm

Mokie
they cant be treated
6:29pm

Leah
i know

i hate thos epeople man

theyre just evil
6:29pm

Mokie
like i dont know what to make of anita

like i wasnt expecting her to be this crazy
6:30pm

Leah
so manipulative. and everyone just deals with it because it' a "disease"

borderlines i mean

dude come on you wernet expecting it?

haha did you forget the shit she pulled on me?

whe she came into my work and said he tried to kill her?
6:31pm

Mokie
hahahahahahah

omg she's nuts
6:31pm

Leah
i sort of think that maybe he was ill or something and went to the hospital, but shes made up the rest ror something

cause when she pulled that "he tried to kill me and hes driving drunk now" thing, like it was some version of hte truth

like that she was coming to the house, so he left, and she found a whiskey bottle, and chased his car

but the thing is, she said that the bottle was empty and that she grabbed his door handle and he dragged her down teh street
6:32pm

Mokie
hahahahahaha
6:33pm

Leah
where he said the bottle was sealed and tha tshe had actually jumped in front of his car
6:33pm

Mokie
awwww poor thing
6:33pm

Leah
hoping he would hit her
6:33pm

Mokie
jesus
6:33pm

Leah
which one?
6:33pm

Mokie
what?!

that sounds crazy
6:33pm

Leah
yeah he cried and cried and refused to talk to her

and i was like come on just talk to her and tell her that bc she wants to know your eok

and that was the night she took his car away and chased us around cabbagetown

and called my mom at 2am and started telling her all this and my mom just hung up on her
6:34pm

Mokie
what?!
6:34pm

Leah
dude youv eheard this story
6:34pm

Mokie
i know

but ot's just so crtazy
6:35pm

Leah
i know and the thing is she SHOWED UP AT MY WORK CRYING
6:35pm

Mokie
i didnt know she chased you guys around and took his car
6:35pm

Leah
um yeah man!
6:35pm

Mokie
what's wrong with her
6:35pm

Leah
we were hiding in bushes and shit
6:35pm

Mokie
jesus

no way
6:35pm

Leah
everying man. her fucking brain
6:35pm

Mokie
you didnt tellme that
6:35pm

Leah
hahahah yeah i have

i can start from the beginning if you want

shall iiii?
6:36pm

Mokie
yes!

stories about anita can never be told too many times
6:36pm

Leah
ok so alec had been staying in blairsville with anita for like a week

and he was supposed to pick me up from work that day at 8pm

cause my car was at my house or somethin gi dont remember

so anita shows up at like maybe 5 or 6 all crying and freaking out
6:38pm

Mokie
ya
6:38pm

Leah
just walks into my work in hysterics

and im lik eok what happened now

and she says
6:38pm

Mokie
og
6:38pm

Leah
i called alec bc i was going to stop by the house, and he said he would be there

(meaning our house in ctown)
6:38pm

Mokie
sounds like my mom
6:38pm

Leah
i think she may be worse.

anyways so she says that she went ot the house but as soon as he saw her car coming he got in his car and drove off
6:39pm

Mokie
id drive off is i saw her coming too
6:39pm

Leah
and she said she went in the house and saw an empty bottle of makers and a pack of cigarettes

so would i man

so she decides that he must be drunk driving

and she takes the bottle with her an dgets in her car and finds his car and follows him

and keeps trying to get his attentino but he WONT LOOK AT HER OMGG

HE WONT EVEN PAY ATTENTIONNNN

so she gets out at a stoplight and grabs the door handle," AND HE DRAGGED ME DOWN THE STREET HE DRAGGED ME!!!!" etc
6:40pm

Mokie
she's nus
6:41pm

Leah
I COULD HAVE BEEN KILLLEDDDDD etc

and so on
6:41pm

Mokie
hahahaha

actually i shouldnt laugh
6:41pm

Leah
so shes like oh leah hes gone insane hes relapsed blah blah blah hes drunkd riving i dont knwo where he went

dude you have my permission to laugh

its my life and i say please laugh

anyways

so im like well theres nothing i can do, cause he doesnt have a cell phone

but hes supposed to pick me up at work at 8 and if he shows i will have him call you, and if he doesnt show i will call you and tell you that too.

you ready for the next installment?

and she leaves
6:43pm

Mokie
yes!

tell me morte

p.s ricky martin finally came out
6:44pm

Leah
OMG he did? big surprise...

anyways

soooo im at work all on edge like wtf has happened now is alec dead this time and so on

8pm rolls around and he shows up. totally sober.

(dude im starting to feel sorry for him)
6:45pm

Mokie
me too
6:45pm

Leah
anyways hes sober and im like so uhhh your mom came by, what happened?

and he just starts bawling saying hes never talking to her again, shes crazy, hes not going back to blairsville with her, etc

wont call her

and i wa slike i promised her youd call her to tell her youre ok
6:46pm

Mokie
aww
6:46pm

Leah
but he wouldnt

so i called her

and i was lik ehes her hes totally sober hes fine

and he wouldnt tlak toher but she wouldnt believem e or wahtever til she talked to him
6:46pm

Mokie
lame
6:47pm

Leah
sooo i finally got him to talk to her and he tells her hes not going back to blairsville with her

and shes like well ok then you need to give me the car {the car she made him sign over to her when he was really dopesick after she caught him relapsing} bc its in my name and i cna report it stolen
6:48pm

Mokie
og didnt you think thids was all tooo crazy
6:48pm

Leah
and "youre not mature enough to own a car"

yeah i did

but unfortunately im a really loyal friend
6:48pm

Mokie
awww. thats good
6:48pm

Leah
so im like well ok, ill give you the keys

but she wanted alec to, but he refused to... so i said i would meet her at teh house a nd give her the keys

but alec wouldnt be with me (he was hiding at estoria down the street)
6:49pm

Mokie
what a nut

hahahahaha
6:50pm

Leah
so i gave her the keys and she demanded to see alec and i said i didnt know where he was or something
6:51pm

Mokie
what a nut job

wasmt alec like 23 at the time too
6:51pm

Leah
but i guess she followed me at some point cause i met back up with him and she was driving around cabbagetown chasing us

and we were hiding behind bushes and trash cans

he was 22 i was 21
6:52pm

Mokie
omg

she is N U T S
6:52pm

Leah
and she called my mom and told her an dmy mom hung up

yeah no shit

anyways yeah
6:52pm

Mokie
man you sure as hell put with a lot

didnt she tell your mom that you shouldnt date alec
6:53pm

Leah
later that night trying to find my car which id parked some place weird, i stepped in dog shit. then the car got a flat tire.
6:53pm

Mokie
awww
6:53pm

Leah
hahaha yeah she did! she would say shit like "he hasnt bathed in a week! he is NOT boyfriend material!" thats the one i remember

OH and after he talked to her on the phone he told me what really happened
6:54pm

Mokie
hahaha
6:55pm

Leah
so he says that she had been acting crazy all day and she had called saying she was coming over so he left
6:55pm

Mokie
guess what anita is doing on saturday
6:55pm

Leah
and the whiskey bottle was full and unopened
6:55pm

Mokie
hahaah
6:55pm

Leah
and that she chased him, drove on the wrong side of the road, and jumped out of her car, and jumped in front of his car with her arms out
6:56pm

Mokie
crazy
6:56pm

Leah
like jumped out arms spread facing his car and hes like, yeah i wasnt drunk but if i was i would have hit her
6:57pm

Mokie
crazy
6:57pm

Leah
soooo then the next day she calls me at work like 32943438 times
6:57pm

Mokie
guess what shes doing thiss weekend
6:57pm

Leah
and is like oh sorry for the mix up, i just found that whiskey bottle and i was wrong, its totally full and unopene

when she had told me there was only half an inch left in it. total liar

what
6:57pm

Mokie
haha

Compassionate Care Birth Center Help us celebrate the grand opening of the only Free-standing Birth Center in the Shenandoah Valley! Come tour the center and nibble some yummy hors d'oeuvres.
6:57pm

Leah
some irish music bullshit in the mountains right
6:57pm

Mokie
hahaah
6:58pm

Leah
oh close enough

ugh

i don understand how a woman that frantic and insane would be someone youd want around while a baby is being born

i feel like shed go into hysterics
6:58pm

Mokie
ya

i bet she delivered alec at home on her own
6:59pm

Leah
nope he was born at grady
6:59pm

Mokie
weird

i have to take a nap its 430 am. and i have to talk to albin in an hour

i just couldnt fall asleep earlier

im getting out of this hell whole in 3 wks
7:00pm

Leah
yeah im weirdly tired and its 7 here
7:01pm

Mokie
take a nap or go to bed early
7:01pm

Leah
yeah i have to go to bed early either way bc i have to get up at 6
7:01pm

Mokie
we'll talk soon and i'll give you anita/alec updates

i miss you!

and i love you!
7:02pm

Leah
hahahaha ok love you too
7:02pm

Mokie
befriend anita!
7:02pm

Leah
yeah i have to go to bed early either way bc i have to get up at 6

mood: sleepy

whoooaaa i was just watching intervention, and i was paying attention cause i knew they were about to say what happened later or whatever, the epilogue, or something, and i was thinking "i wonder how many of these people on this show die, and whether they'd say so at the end" and like 30 seconds later they say the guy died. shits nuts. speaking of died, my (second)10th grade boyfriend james bell died. so my first crush dies (brad in 1999), my first boyfriend dies (shawn in 2004), and now my second boyfriend?

mood: weird

Hey Leah,
I just found out some really crappy news and wanted to let you know that James Bell has died. John Navarro just texted me and apparently Sam found him yesterday. I don't know if you already knew this or not, but just wanted to make sure that you did. Sorry to have to tell you this on facebook but I have switched phones and don't have you number. I can let you know more as I find out, and maybe you'll know more before I do... but anyways, just thought you'd want to know.


I kinda don't know what to think. shit another one bites the dust, really? ANOTHER ONE??? why does everyone i know (esp guys i've dated etc) keep fucking dying? and my exes are apparently dying in order? what? she didn't say how it happened. i guess if someone "finds" you then it could be a number of things. i mean that's really vague... he wasn't sick or anything i don't think. i don't think he did drugs enough to OD, although it's entirely possible he was doing dope or whatever in canton and i just didn't hear about it. maybe it was a suicide... i don't know. it's terrible though, he was 26. and an only child (like the other 2). poor sam and john and stephen. they were all best friends. i tried calling stephen but his number changes like every 2 months so i couldn't get ahold of him.

mood: weird

1. oxblood/maroon harness boots

2. black cotton spandex dress with black sequin boobs

3. really short off white crochet(?) lace dress, circle pattern. big stain on front. long sleeves with a ruffle at the cuff.

4. black culotte-style empire waist romper, with a red and blue floral pattern



seriously where the fuck is my shit? did someone steal it in nyc? did i leave it at the apartment in brooklyn? did i not recover all of what alexis stole? did i leave it all at my mom's?

wtfff this sucks so bad. this stuff is definitely not at my house.

mood: worried

1) a BETTER leather jacket

2) a burgundy leather jacket

3) a better pair of black boots (or some other color, and then get the shoe place to dye them black)

4) a pair of boots that have a shearling cuff


i missed the first day of school today cause i'm sick as shitttt. but my house is starting to look awesome. i just need to find a way to trick dave into hanging all the pictures so i don't have to do it myself. he's taking my car in for a tune-up tomorrow because i'm too sick. gahh my boyfriend is a saint.

but yeah the house is coming along awesomelyyy. i got this really old red vinyl loveseat that has a squeaky rocker in it and it's comfortable as hell, and i set it up in my bedroom in front of the windows. i've got my bookshelf and a side table and lamp next to it and i've been hanging out on it and reading. it's also the only thing that matches my rainbow rug so now i've got that out too. i'm getting my tulip chairs re-covered for my birthday, they're gonna be awesome. AND AND AND apparently all this time, tom has had an awesome old marimekko daybed and it's mine now. i'm gonna put it in my um office~~ and maybe even get THISSSS to put on it: http://www.sagaliving.com/hetkia-momentstwinduvetcover.aspx

aaaand i think i'm gonna try and open a booth at agora. i have so much good shit i need to sell, and i'm sure it'll totally pay for itself. plus i'm totally running out of room for the stuff i'm "getting rid of" or whatever.

mood: sick

so other stuff from anotehr dream had sort of run into this one, but whatever, it wasnt important.

it's night time (dark outside) and i have just pulled up to my house, which is on n druid hills road btw the intersection of n druid hills and the highway ramp. i share the house with my current roommates.it's yellow and quite small. i go to the mailbox to check the mail. it is right up against the house and is cubbyholes like you'd find in school offices. in my cubby is a tiny envelope, like the ones from florists. i recognize it as another note from my "secret admirer," whom i'd met but am not interested in. the note is in zach's handwriting (how fitting). around the house and near the cubby are tall bushes/shrubs. i am going up the concrete steps into the house when my secret admirer or whatever pops out of the bushes. it is someone i "recognize". he has blonde hair and big pleading blue eyes with long eyelashes and sort of looks like a kid, and he sort of looks like AJ from middle school. he also has a bit of gynecomastia. he asks me if i want to go get some food. i go in the house for just a sec, i am starting to get pretty scared, cause this guy was hiding in my bushes, WTF. i open the door and fake sick to him, but he doesn't buy it (but doesn't say that aloud). he just keeps begging me to come get food with him (there are fast food restaurants in real life and in the dream all up and down that street), even when i tell him i just ate with my friend. he's begging and looking really sad and saying "but i just want a drink!" or "but you could just get a drink" and he just has this sad desperate expression that scares me shitless. i tell him i am sick and to go home. i wonder if he had always been hiding in the bushes when he had left his notes. in the dream i knew that i already knew who it was and we had met face to face etc, like the fact that it was him and that i knew it was him wasn't a surprise to either me or him. kind of the same as at the point in real life where i had been texting zach back and forth and we had established he was the note guy etc, but i was trying to politely avoid him.

i immediately decide to drive somewhere (don't know where, it wasnt important) and i am on the highway. i am super creeped the fuck out about that "secret admirer" and glad i'd left. i think about the fact that he has gynecomastia and a feminine face and start to wonder if he is intersex or something. everyone has their lights on. a dark red buicky looking car is swerving and going from lane to lane, more side to side than forward. i can tell the car is about to blow up because it is sparking or something. all the other cars can tell too and we're all trying to get away form it at once, which is tough. i am not making any progress and am in the far left lane. a speaker comes from the car (because it's a luxury car duh) and says that the car is about to blow up and for everyone to get away. the car is weaving and everyone is trying to get away every time it comes toward them (me included). some people DO get away but i cant find a way to get past (not thick traffic though). the voice gets like saying its gonna blow up pretty soon and then sort of i'm IN my car, but i AM my car, same with the buick and it's a balding man who has a sort of walkman/tape recorder, which is where the voice comes from. he is sort of checking everyone's forehead/temperature as they go by, and then letting them pass, all the while saying that the car is about to blow up. like if he feels your forehead and it's hot, your car is overheating and going to blow up like is, and that probably happened because your car got too close to his. when i go by, i run/drive the second his hand touches my forehead, and he's like "wait i didn't get to see-" and then i am in the far left lane driving. i see robots fixing what looks like a power cable in the fuck i forget what it's called, the lane you pull over into. the robots that mostly just look like mini bulldozers but with pinchers instead of the bucket thing are repairing a cable in that safety lane thing on the left. i dont drive any more so i dont remember what it's called. that lane you pull over into. i wonder if the power cable thing the robots are fixing has anything to do with the car that's about to blow up. then i wake up.

i know that it was dark in the dream and when i looked out at the restaurants it was colored lights (like in real life but that's what stood out). same with the headlights on the highway during the driving. the scary thing about the stalkerish person was his feelings more than anything. he was so desperate and crazy-seeming and just sort idono he really obviously psychological/emotional problems and it made me really uncomfortable. funny cause in real life, that never does, even when it should. kind of the same feeling i got with zach. it's so weird because i had some pretty significant dreams when i was really little about being the object of someone's forceful/creepy romantic obsession, and my reaction was pity/disgust/fear, same as in this dream. the feeling i get from the guy, and the blue eyes and blonde hair, the note leaving, the desperation, etc is a lot like zach, but the dream isn't about him.

i'm going back to atlanta soon (july 1). not sure how long i want to stay, right now it's pretty fun up here. last night autry took me to gay monday and i got shitfaced enough that i danced with a bunch of total strangers.

before we went out, i was on myspace and it said that shack was online, so on a whim i did the myspace IM thing. ever since i heard he had started doing dope (him of all people, the only one of those guys who ever had any sense or goals) and had been trying to stop i'd wanted to say what's up and give my support. but you never know if people are gonna be pissed that you "know" or whatever. anyways i IMed him and we talked on the phone and online for like four hours. he's in oklahoma and he's clean and super happy. he went to rehab and stuff. yeah, someone told me they kicked heroin and i believed them. i guess because that he got on it in the first place is just so out of character, combined with him always being level-headed, and having some serious life goals, knowing he can be a super determined and hard working guy, it makes it more believable that he's kicked it. he's such a good guy, and super talented. i'm so glad he's okay. ps. best line- "it's okay, i was practically a virgin"

speaking of people i've had awkward sexual encounters with, i called zach on his birthday (like he asked on saturday, ugh brat) but he didn't pick up. i'm kind of relieved. despite his extremely high levels of sexy, i don't need any of that drama.

alsoooo back in atlanta at least two guys i've had massive crushes on are single now...

location: my lair mood: restless music: burning bridges - jack scott

i am being so lame. i keep not going out. wtf is my problem. also, why the hell do i always see major babes walking down my street, but NOT at bars/parties (on said street) where you can actually TALK to them?

summer isn't sucking as bad as i thought. i have stuff i can do, i just keep not doing anything. still recovering from parsons i guess. i really, really, REALLY don't want to go back. i keep spending too much $$ because i have nothing else to do all day. still haven't cleaned/set up my room. haven't sent half my stuff back to atlanta. i'm going back soon, not sure when. it better live up to my expectations. spring break and xmas break did...

i've started watching OLD 90210 on cbs.com, starting with season 1, and holy shit is it ever the BEST SHOW EVER. it's weird cause i'd seen an episode here and there but never really sat down and watched it. everyone's makeup looks really good. maybe i'll start wearing blush again. ever since i found that awesome early 90s stretchy tank dress (identical to the one i got outbid on on ebay and was really sad about) i've been wanting more. now that i'm too skinny again i can actually wear that stuff. awesome.

mood: sick